10 webmaster emails from Hell

10 webmaster emails from Hell

Here’s a little light reading to start the day: 10 webmaster emails you don’t ever want to receive.

If you enjoy them, I’ll write up some more.

I read your blog. You’re a funny man. I checked your WHOIS and know where you live. Expect me to visit soon motherf*cker.

Bubba Towers

As you may be aware, websites can help drive traffic to one another via link exchanges, which helps both of us.

After reviewing your site, we decided it was just too sh!te and have removed it from our link exchange program.

Please don’t ask us for a link exchange ever again.

I am Kimono Diagro, sole surviving relative of the king of Bhutan who was recently deposed in a rebel coup. I have $20 million in treasury funds we need to move into the America.

We found your e-mail from a mutual friend, who said you were useless for this purpose. Please could you recommend someone else?

Thank you for a wonderful time last night. I’ve never known anyone as passionate and loving as you, and I’d really like to see you again. I’ll visit your workplace today, then all your friends can meet me.

By the way, I don’t really have a big clitoris, I’m just partway through the op.

Danielle
(Formerly known as Daniel)

Dear Webmaster -

We’ve looked at your website and decided that some of your content may be libellous towards our company.

While we appreciate you’ve obviously spent years working to build your website, we must insist that you delete it.

If you do not comply, we will pursue you with legal action that will generate crippling expenses for you.

Even if it’s determined the content is not libellous, we’re going to do this anyway, because we’re big, you’re small, and we’ve nothing better to do.

Yours,

Bored corporate bastards

Thank you for attending our clinic last month. The results have come through and I’m afraid the tests we-re positive - you are indeed a nerd.

Please book an appointment at your earliest convenience to begin treatment.

The bastards have me on this stupid mock trial. Please use your special crack team of drug-running arms-dealing commandos break me out from Iraq so that I can regain my power and crush the American infidels.

Saddam

PS. The CIA will know you got my e-mail and will be watching you in everything you do. Good luck!

My name is Professor Steinhausen, and I am the person responsible for sending you those alien transmissions directly into your brain.

It was all part of an important experiment into Tesla’s work and theories, but has now finished.

I am pleased with the results. You may now remove the foil from around your head.

It’s hidden in the basement. Don’t look.

We are pleased to receive your e-mail volunteering to be our next offering to the Great Lord Cthulhu, who is merely asleep until the stars are right.

The stars will be right next Thursday. Please bring a toothbrush and spare underwear. There is no need to pay for return tickets.

Cthulhu fthagn!